Bergstrom Orchids

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1) I picked up Sibelius and cradled him in the crook of my left arm as if holding a baby. I positioned my right forefinger and thumb on either side of his mouth and gently applied pressure to his cheeks while holding the pill in my right hand. As he opened his mouth, I poped the pill in and allowed him to close his mouth and swallow.

2)  I then retrieved the pill from the floor and Sibelius from behind sofa. I put a band-aid on my right thumb. I cradled Sibelius in my left arm and repeated the process.

3)  I had to retrieve him from the bedroom and throw soggy pill away. I then put a band-aid on my left thumb.

4)  Took a new pill from the foil wrap, cradled Sibelius in my left arm while holding his rear paws tightly with my left hand. I forced his jaws open and pushed the pill to the back of his mouth with right forefinger. Held his mouth shut for a count of ten.

5)  I then had to retrieve pill from the goldfish bowl and Sibelius from the top of the wardrobe. Called Dorris in from the garden.

6)  I then knelt on floor with him wedged firmly between knees, holding his front and rear paws. I ignored his growls. Got Dorris to hold his head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into his mouth. Dropped pill down ruler and rubbed his throat vigorously.

7)  Retrieved Sibelius from curtain rail, got another pill from foil wrap. Made a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully swept shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8)  Wrapped Sibelius in large towel and got Dorris to lie on him with his head just visible from below her arm pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, forced mouth open with pencil and blew down drinking straw.

9)  I then checked label to make sure pill was not harmful to humans, drank glass of water to take taste away. Applied band-aid to Dorris' forearm and removed blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10)  Retrieved Sibelius from neighbor's shed. Got another pill. Placed him in cupboard and closed door onto neck leaving his head showing. Forced mouth open with dessert spoon. Flicked pill down throat with elastic band.

11)  Fetched screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Applied cold compress to my cheek and checked medical records for my last tetanus shot. Threw T-shirt away and fetched new one from bedroom.

12)  Rang fire brigade to retrieve Sibelius from tree across the road. Apologized to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Took last pill from foil wrap.

13)  I tied his front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bound him tightly to leg of dining table.  Found heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Forced his mouth open with small spanner. Pushed pill into his mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Held his head vertically and poured 1/2 pint of water down his throat to wash pill down.

14)  Got Dorris to drive me to the emergency room, sat quietly while doctor stitched fingers and forearm, chest and face and removed pill remnants from my right eye. Called at furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

15)  Arranged for Cat Rescue to collect cat and rang local pet shop to see if they carried hamsters.